Kinda weird

For some reason, i have generated traffic from this blog again. I have gotten notifications about new followers and new likes, without having any activity since last year. And I am weirded out.

I currently have a new blog, and perhaps you can follow that too.

Thank you for your interest in my blog. Hope you support the new one too. ๐Ÿ™‚

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You plan a lot of things in life.

As for me, I had 14 days to think things through and talk to God about it, until I decided to leave a company I’ve spent 4yrs of my life in. I knew the things I were giving up, but I also knew what I’d gain.

Then, there’s about 13 months to plan for a wedding. Although things just really started running 6 months before. I wasn’t really too demanding on how the wedding day would turn out, as I was also thinking about how the after-wedding would go. Stuff like living arrangements and money management were things I was busy preparing also for.

Of course, God has His own plans.

When we chose our wedding date, we only chose it for “aethetics”. It was 11-13-15, consecutive odd numbers. It was Friday the 13th, and being God’s children and servants, we didn’t believe in superstitions and definitely did not see this as an unlucky day to tie the knot. Of course, we wanted it on a Friday to have a longer weekend, and also to somehow test who’s willing to take a leave from work and celebrate the special day with us.

But this is what we didn’t plan…

When we set the date, we didn’t plan on having a baby right after. The usual thing is that we would first spend the first few months on our own, enjoy each other’s company. Learn each other’s quirks while under the same roof, that sort of stuff. I think we had that. But that’s a different story.

During our wedding night, I was fertile. I did not anticipate that when we set our wedding date 13 months before. I didn’t not calculate my cycle to check when would my last period be when we were planning our wedding. I did not even visit my OB to know if I’m in perfect health to get pregnant.

So, we have conceived Sofia Beatrice during our honeymoon period. But I have been forming her since October 26, because apparently, they count the number of weeks starting on the first day of my last period. God blessed us with the life that was in my womb. I was 32, and they said that women in their 30s have difficulty conceiving. But I didn’t! No need for any medication, no condition that hindered the pregnancy. God planned that.

And I knew that during those times that my pregnancy became difficult, God had a purpose for that. Those “anytime sicknesses,” the pukes despite an empty stomach, the lying on one side for weeks, the abstinence from salmon sashimi (yeah, that was difficult), the gestational diabetes and the need to monitor my sugar and inject insulin..

Those definitely made me want to love my Baby even more, even before she arrived.

And now, she’s turning a year old in less than a month, and I just know that after all this planning for her birthday celebration, God has already planned the provisions we would need by then. He has even planned how our daughter would turn out when she grows up. And He has already planned the kind of parents JC and I would be in the coming years. ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

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My Legacy

“I will make your name renowned through all generations; thus nations shall praise you forever.” Ps 45:17/18

I have had the chance of being given a special role to glorify God. It was somehow a dream come true to serve Him using my talent, and a lot of people recognized that the gift was truly remarkable. There was a time when I was “top of mind” when it came to deliver certain songs. I was even one-third of a group of women who rendered songs beautifully for the glory of God.

Because of this talent, I was told that people were inspired, and people wanted to join the Music Ministry. Some kids [perhaps] looked up to me, and wanted to serve God the same way. God gave me a new role, by being a Team Head for the afternoon sessions. I was offered the role of Ministry Head where I was serving as head of Warmth, but declined after discerning that I’d be of more help to God’s people being team head. Another one-third of the women group, I suggested to be Ministry Head. Aside from being Head of that group, she also leads the people of the Lord in other groups to worship.

I had wanted to improve my talent. I somehow wanted to glorify God not only in leading the people through singing, but also in worshipping. I was given this role in small gatherings, and I took all the chances given. Even when I was alone and just listening to worship songs, I was practicing, pretending I was in front of a big audience, leading them to worship God. I pictured myself going on stage, exhorting, and conditioning people into worship.

During that time, I felt I was at the peak of my service. People knew me for my talent. Some were at awe to be in a caring group with me. Some would say that they are amazed to know that I am approachable, that I seem to be kind, despite the “celebrity” status. Some people wanted to be associated with me [or so I thought]. Of course, there were new people coming in, rising talents, and we were transferring to bigger venues where more people are being led for spiritual nourishment, thus more people were needed to serve. But when there was a celebration, or a special song, I would be called to do it in front of God’s people. And I would pray to make sure I did the song justice, and that I’d be an effective channel of any message God wanted to give His people.

Then, I got engaged.
Then, I got married, and got pregnant.
Then, I gave birth to my daughter, and turned my world upside down.

I still have my talent. I still head a team of servants. But I knew my “time to shine” in glorifying God on stage has reached its peak, and is now on a “decline.” Though I have never strongly advertised myself to sing on events, I had wanted to do so. And some people would ask me to do so. But now, that dream has started to fade away, too. Now, as my world turned, so are people’s preferences. I was no longer “top of mind”. I was now “sought after”, in its truest sense: I was sought after their top choices declined or were unavailable.

Had all this happened before my life’s milestones, I would have ranted and asked God why people would now prefer fresh talent over seasoned ones. There were still times, though, when the realization hits, that my role to glorify God is no longer to lead groups of people to sing and worship, as He has entrusted new and younger people to do it.

Good thing, there is someone who makes me realize I have a new and much bigger role now. I am now to lead someone, who isn’t necessarily unchurched, but definitely someone who is unschooled, and has yet to learn all aspects in this life: my daughter.

My glorifying God has now been brought to a higher, but a deeper level at the same time. Not only will I need to lead my daughter into worshipping God, but I shall be her first model in everything. I shall be God’s manifestation in this world of parenthood to her. I shall be her first teacher, her first leader of songs and of worship, her first picture of a servant. And what she will become as she grows up in God’s grace, will be a reflection of how I was as a mother and guide to her.

I have had my own dreams, and my own chances to chase after them. Now, it’s time to nurture my daughter into making her own dreams and helping to make sure she chases and catches them. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t make her reach the dreams I once had and had been frustrated about. Rather, I’d help her with her own dreams. But while she has yet to craft them in her own mind and her own time, through God’s guidance, I’ll help pave the way.

When the time comes, and she grows up to be the God-centered woman I envisioned her to be, I will know that I have done my creator justice, and served Him the best way that I can.

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A Game-Changing Ritual

I have a sweet tooth. Or maybe, I really just love to eat. Though I don’t have a fast metabolism rate, I don’t seem to get very fat when I got to my 20s. Perhaps it’s because of my added daily rituals, like commuting to work, thinking about work, working out (a few times a week), and all the other activities I started to engage in when I entered the corporate world. Oh, add to that the intention to bag my future mate. Hihihi!

Fast forward to almost a decade later. I met my mate, and in a 1 year period, I got married, got knocked up, and will give birth to hopefully a blessed bouncing baby beauty. But mind you, the journey wasn’t easy.

I got diagnosed with GDM (gestational diabetes mellitus) more than a month ago. The picture is my morning routine for the past 2 weeks. At first, the thought of having diabetes was scary, but I was assured by a certain lab test that it was really just related to the pregnancy.

I got a little scared and anxious having to prick my finger for blood samples 4 times a day, and a injecting insulin in the morning. I even joked that, though I no longer have my menstruations, I still have blood going out of my body through 2 fingers (which now had “freckles” due to the prick marks). But other than the pain of the pricks and shots, I have something in me that’s purely psychological: still that fact that, at one point in my life, I am a diabetic.

I am now planning my meals for the rest of my time being pregnant. I have to have 2000 calories a day, divided into 3 main meals and 3 snacks. And since the diet included things that were filling, I sometimes skipped snacks because I wasn’t too hungry. From 55kgs pre-pregnant weight, the scales see-sawed and got to a lowest of around 54kgs. At 32 weeks pregnant, I am at 59kgs. The 5kgs gained wasn’t just all the pregnancy gain. I really lost weight. And though the “single” me would have delighted in the fact that I lost weight and lost some fat from a few parts of my body, the “pregnant-and-future-mommy” me thought it was a bit alarming.

I guess when motherhood and when caring not only for yourself but also for someone who’s life depended solely on you enters your system, a lot of things change. I know for a fact that so many things about me changed. Though still a little selfish sometimes, I think my selflessness has improved (not to brag). My tolerance for pain has increased. My tendencies to over-indulge lessened. My desire to put someone else’s needs first strengthened. My drive to become a much better person is more motivated.

Am I saying goodbye to all that chocolate, cake, sugar, and all that sweet concoctions? Absolutely not! I’m merely postponing my indulgence. I’ll wait if my baby develops the same. We’ll enjoy them together, still cautious about calorie and sugar content, though. ๐Ÿ™‚

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It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s not a state of mind. It just happens. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a break from everything. It’s the peace after all the noise. It’s the rest after all the walking.

It’s not emotional. Not mental. Not physical. It’s nothing.

It’s not meant to offend. It’s not voluntary. But it’s just needed. It’s like a rubber band stretched to its fullness, but not close to snapping.

It’s that phase before going back to reality. To the original state. Back to the chaos, the busyness, the activity.

Yes, being uninspired is a good thing sometimes. Not something to dwell on, though. But it’s something not worth blaming anyone if it happens. It just is. After all, some worthy inspiration comes out of something out of the ordinary. Even out of nothing.

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How life has been and will be…

I have been married for 74 days… Things weren’t really quite what I expected, which can either be good or bad.ย Bad in the sense that some things were not prepared for; good in the sense that things are always exciting.

I am now a stay-at-home, 13-weeks-pregnant wife who has so much time in my hands, but cannot manage it well yet. Aside from the duties of domestication, I am seemingly subordinate to fatigue and sleepiness, as my body sustains a new being. Every day is exciting, as nap times are uncertain, and I have to make do with my awake schedule. I am hoping 2016 proves to be a better year than 2015. After all, having a baby in August is definitely an improvement from getting married last November.
In terms of my career, I continue to stay positive. The possibilities are endless, in terms of who to help in their finances through proper Financial Education and servicing through Insurance and Investment instruments. I am somehow fortunate to have been a part of a group that is very understanding of circumstances (I was not too fortunate with clients during the last quarter of 2015). Looking forward to talking to more people, although I would really try not to stress myself much for me and my baby’s sake.
In terms of other rackets, yes, I remain positive that projects will flow. I know I have not put myself too much out there, but I am doing all of my best every chance I get. I love what I do, and I love to please others with it. I know it starts low and slow, but it truly is a sure way to do it.
I remain faithful to God that He would provide because I continuously ask. I still have my fears and anxieties, as much as I want to be rid of them, but I think they serve as a way for me to keep my feet on the ground. I definitely will keep my head high, gazing up to my Maker, hopeful of all the wonderful things He has yet in store for my life and the life He truly wants me to live. ๐Ÿ™‚
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I am where I’m supposed to be..

It’s been two weeks. Since I left my last corporate stint, I brought with me several ounces of excitement, of hope, of that feeling of freedom. And two weeks after, I am feeling like I’m depleting the rest of these resources.

I looked at my love tank, which still seems full to the brim. But the love gauge wasn’t moving. I am stuck. I am not moving. I am staying still.

I somehow asked the Lord, where are those people You wanted me to help? Where are those projects You wanted me to take part on? Why am I, just here? I am bothered by the seeming fact that I am not living out my life’s purpose. That I am not fulfilling my mission.

Then, this soft voice whispered: “You are where you ought to be.”

And then, went on… “You have been busy. You have been preoccupied with so many things. You wanted to know so much. You wanted to fill yourself with knowledge, with wisdom, understanding, comprehension. You wanted to be trained. You wanted to experience stuff. But you were so in a hurry..”

Your love tank is full to the brim. And when something is full to the brim, every sporadic movement will cause some of that love to spatter. Your love droplets might just go to stuff that wouldn’t matter, because they were all done just for the moment. No follow through. No life-changing there.

Let’s plan together. Be still and let Me do the working. Find rest in Me. Talk to Me more. Let’s discuss your dreams, your purpose, your concerns. Let’s spend some more time together. Just You and Me.”

Then I just found myself saying, “Yes, Lord..”

I am in the right place. This is the right time to focus on You. I no longer have the excuses I used to make, like I’m too busy, or I still have some other things to do. Yes, Lord. I am free to do what I want to do now! And I want to do them with You!

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