(Disclaimer: The draft for this blog was written about a month ago… after the “Discover Your Inner Beauty Queen” Retreat)
It just had to stop. At some point. The pitiful sight. The helplessness. The near insanity.
I just have to stop holding my phone between my palms, and praying that it would ring that certain tone I assigned solely for him. I just have to stop looking at his Facebook profile looking at his pictures, reading his posts (and almost always putting a comment on each). I just have to stop initiating and always finding the excuse to send him a text or call him up.
Lastly, I just have to stop pretending that it meant nothing, when it meant all the world to me. Entertaining all these thoughts really had to stop.
After attending the “Discover Your Inner Beauty Queen” retreat, I seemed to have been snapped out of that deep slumber called infatuation and maybe, hopefully not, obsession. It was very enlightening to know what I really am worth. Hearing “success” relationship stories inspired to dream further, and wanting more than I’m currently getting. And it helped me start conquering a fear I never knew I had: the fear of failing in trusting the Lord.
I would often tell myself that I already knew these things. As a by-product of a long process, I should be consulting my manufacturer on how to operate efficiently and effectively. And somehow, I might have been given different sized batteries, or might have been installed with a incompatible operating system.
It’s honestly so hard for me to trust. Maybe it’s because I have felt betrayed so early on, that I am always on defense mechanism mode with people. But eventually, I just have to subject myself to testing, scrutiny, and repair… To be better, to be healed..
Oh well… Random…