Melancholy on a Silver Platter

Feeling a bit melancholic today…

I have felt that I have always been an eager beaver when it comes to service. I enjoy singing, and I believe it is only one of the greatest talents I have received from God. What better way to return the favor of giving such wonderful talent, than to use it to serve the Giver, and to bless (and maybe inspire) other people.

But then, is singing the only thing I can do? Is it the only thing people would remember that I’m good at? I’m sure I cannot be considered a Master of this craft, but neither am I thought of as a Jack, or rather, Jill of all trades…

See, I believe I’ve got other talents that maybe some people haven’t taken advantage of, because I haven’t had the venue to showcase them. Though people ask for volunteers, they would always have that preference in mind, that they would hope this preferred person would be interested and volunteer to actually do it. Then the eager beaver me would not be able to take that step towards 10,000 hours.. (They said that to master something, you need to do it that long..)

Now, why don’t I volunteer, you must be asking… Well, I wouldn’t be ranting and drowned in melancholy if I haven’t. Handling rejection is not my best suit. Twice of it is a wound. Countless is death.

So what are these talents that I haven’t used lately?

1. Hosting/emceeing – I have emceed a couple of times already. I even started doing so back in Elementary. It led on to volunteering, and being given the chance to do so in a few occasions when I was in highschool. But college was a slump, and the next gig was for our transparochial group.

In the community I’m currently a member of, I was given a chance to do it, and I had fun. Though I felt that I lacked practice, people said I did great (or maybe they were just being nice). I was again given the assignment to do so after a couple of weeks, but 2 days before the actual gathering, I was told they are assigning someone else because, well, I don’t remember why, but I’m quite certain that it’s because they think I didn’t have something they required.. I think it was spunk.. And as other “hosts” got their second, third, and fourth turn, I remained unnoticed; the talent, forgotten.

Another opportunity came, and since I already felt the wound of rejection, I told my interest to my boyfriend, so I could get his help. He was able to say it to people in charge. But since my service resume included just one emceeing event, they went off to ask the services of a “preferred” person.

2. Writing – I have done this for a living, part-time for 6 months. And I’ve enjoyed it. I have kept a journal since I was in 3rd grade. Though I haven’t religiously wrote on it daily when I got to highschool and so on, the few occasions that I did helped me in my communication skills as well. At work, I am somehow trusted to write good letters and memos, and even edit some of my colleagues’ work.

I have been blogging (though rarely) for almost 10 years now, and I have been assigned a few times to write for our community website or bulletin. But haven’t done so lately because it wasn’t really a permanent assignment. I wouldn’t mind not having published works, I have this blog for that. But when I am asked to blog, I expect it to be published when they said it would be, and how I wrote it. I wouldn’t mind editions, when it only meant separating words that are contracted out.

Imagine my dismay (and oversensitivity) when more than once, I’ve had blogs that had edited paragraphs! Yeah, they seem “swak” still even after the revision, but it’s not my own work anymore. And though I haven’t really expressed this “frustration”, I am no longer being given assignments to do so. Thank you (sarcastic).

3. Listening and giving advise – this probably is the last.

You know, I perfectly understand if a person just doesn’t want to divulge a lot of their drama in their life. But it’s pretty much discriminating if other people know it, and when I ask, they would say it’s a secret. I would appreciate it if they wouldn’t talk about it in front of me, at least they keep their secret to themselves. But they do talk about it, the least they can do is have the decency to let me in on whatever they’re talking about.

See, it’s not about how other people are actually doing. But it’s about how they react when I’m around. I feel like there must be something wrong with me, that I am not trustworthy enough.. Or maybe I’m just not mature enough to be giving solicited advice.

You know, I have confidence in other people, that some have more knowledge, more experience, more leverage. When it comes to this aspect, I’m not one who volunteers that you speak with me or have one-on-one with me. But I just hope you trust me enough to let me in…

Overall, I think it’s not the fear of disservice.. But the fear of being outside the circle. No matter how deep I let myself through, I just can’t get to the core…

Enough about Melancholy…


About angelbevz

I'm a girl full of contradictions.
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