I have my fits of self-righteousness. Moments where I am like that Pharisee who prays as if I am the kindest, most generous, and sinless man, compared to the rest of humanity, which includes tax collectors who cant even look up to the heavens and pray.
When I was a highschool junior, I belonged to the 5th or 6th section (the rankings are not really defined). I remembered trying to earn my way to the top of the class honestly. I refuse to join “cheating sessions”, though there are times I would join for the sake of belongingness. But then I was often left at one corner, answering exams on my own.
That year, i was also classmates with my biggest crush. There was even a time we pretended we were a couple. My classmates then thought I was so into my role, that they thought I could no longer distinguish which is reality and which is the pretend part.
Ultimately, the whole class ganged up on me. I was called many names: Outcast, Bighips, to name a few. Those who I treated as my clique went so far as telling me that I should be grateful that they let me sit with them during lunch, so that I dont end up sitting alone..
Looking back, I now feel God was speaking to me through the Beatitudes, which is part of the Gospel readings for today. I believe that the emotional suffering I experienced that time, was rewarded by the transfer to the First section come senior year.
Because of my experience, I have learned how to be alone. How to survive by myself. How to no feel lonely when I dont have company.
Still it is where my demons hide.. I crave for belongingness. I crave affection. I crave attention.
… to be continued…