I often feel I am not good enough. That I’m not deserving of the good things that happen to me. When bad things happen, I sometimes feel like God is being unfair.
I often get insecure, that I’m not paid well enough, that I cannot seem to push for what my dreams are. I have once wanted to take my MBA, but time has elapsed, and the dream had died.
I sometimes feel so lacking, that I can’t enjoy with my family some of those things I enjoy when I’m by myself or with friends. I couldn’t go with them to places outside of the country, or outside Luzon. I can’t treat them to buffet restos, or food places where the average amount of the items in the menu at at least P500 each.
I would often compare myself to friends and acquaintances who seem better off financially. Then I realized, I still have the much better things in Life.
I have a friend who is now a doctor, and one who is now either an Assistant Manager or a Manager in an international bank. Both have already provided so much for their families. But I believed I am more blessed than they are. I still have my biological father here on Earth, while their dads are already dead.
I have a friend who has been in and out of the country for both work and leisure. I’ve seen pictures with European landmarks as her background. She’s an accomplished Civil Engineer for a company in the now-mega-booming country of Dubai. But, she lives so far away from her family, and she does not have a boyfriend reaching her mid-30s, fearing that she would grow old alone.
Another friend had successful businesses, giving him a 6-digit paycheck a month. However, he is already an orphan, lives alone, and speaks with his siblings rarely.
I can talk about my friends on and on and on. But it just leads down to this: I am very fortunate having the biggest treasure in all. My family whom I loved very much.
I have revealed my demons, and though most are hiding, they can’t overpower me.